49 today

I made it…..Whew! I have to admit that I honestly did not think that I was going to make it to today. It has been touch and go for quite some time now more go than touch. Go Go Go…. it is crazy how when faced with your own mortality, how your views change. If you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be grateful to be starting my 50th year of life I would have laughed at you and asked that you share the substance you were on.Things change. People change.

I guess my entrance into this world set the stage for the rest of my life. 49 years ago today in Pacoima California I was born 7 weeks early weighing in at just under 4 lbs addicted to heroin. My mother gave birth to me and walked away leaving me fighting for my life and at the mercy of strangers. I try forgiving her, every year I think that I have and then this day comes around and I realize that forgiveness is just another form of judgement and that I do not have to forgive her I have to accept her for who she was and understand that her disease was alive and active and she really was not in control of her actions her disease was a self will ran riot that controlled every aspect of her life up until the day she died. It really had nothing to do with her love or lack there of for me. In fact it had nothing to do with me at all. When I can get into acceptance and understand that every thing I have endured, survived, experienced, loved and hated has made me who I am and even though being me is not always fun trying to be anyone else is a waste of who I am. DO I let the disappointment and pain ruin me or do I use it as a fuel to drive me forward> To motivate me to do great things? Well honestly I’ve done a bit of each. But today I am in acceptance. I am no longer bitter, the resentment has dissipated, gratitude has replaced anger. I am grateful that she is no longer suffering and I am grateful she is no longer able to cause suffering. That is my truth. She may not have done much of anything kind for me  but she taught me to fight for life, to fight for what I believe in, to take care of myself and to seek justice for all. She taught me that it is not your circumstances it is what you’re made of. She taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. She taught me the only one in control of my destiny is me.  For someone who was really never there, though she was present periodically SHE was NEVER there for me she taught me many valuable lessons about life. She jaded me a bit for sure but most importantly she taught me how important it is to let your children know that above all else they are loved. She taught me that time is the most valuable thing you can give your children.

I am pretty sure that her absence and lack of maternal genes are the foundation that my strength was built upon. My early years formed me, they taught me to fight for what’s right even if you are fighting alone. They taught me that even though this world is a dark place there are angels in human form all around us. I learned that even in the darkest night one sliver of light can make all the difference. I learned that sometimes we must be that sliver of light. I learned that there really is no such thing as life being fair. Life is what you make it period. You can let the bad become you or you can be the good. It really is just THAT simple!

We have been given free will. We control the way we act or react. We can let life run us or we can run our lives. We can be the darkness or we can shine the light. Do not try and tell me that you can not help it, that you are a victim of circumstance. You and You alone are in control of your destiny. If you dwell on the negative the negative will become you henceforth if you focus on the light then you are the light.

I am sitting here in a battle for my life but I am not focused on my battle, I am focused on the war. I am merely a soldier. Fighting for you and you and you. I am on a mission to leave this world better than I found it. I am on a mission to help end needless suffering. I am going to go out of this world just like I came in fighting alongside total strangers for life. Only this time it is not only MY life I am fighting for it is all human life and quality of life. I am looking for soldiers, and they are aligning themselves with me fighting this good fight. We have people from all walks of life joining this revolution. We have been erroneously misled here in this country for over seventy years about marijuana and its medicinal uses. We have been poisoned and experimented on. We have been fed lie after lie and we have accepted these lies as our truth. This train of being is what produces mothers like the one I had. We have kept our heads in the sand for far too long and now we are in a race against the clock trying to save or repair this horribly broken country.

I have been conditioned for this battle for 49 years and I for one am not going to let one drop of my suffering to have been done in vain. I AM GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I WILL BE THE CHANGE> I AM BUILDING AN ARMY>I INVITE YOU TO JOIN US< I WARN YOU NOT TO TRY AND STOP US LEAD FOLLOW OR GET OUT OF MY WAY>>>THIS IS MY THOUGHT FOR TODAY

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