It is with a sad heart I make this post. When I sat down to write it the morbid side of me was going to title it Another One Bites The Dust because when my heart aches sarcasm takes over. I remember when my boys were young and would get hurt I would laugh hysterically because that’s what I do when fear or pain sets in I laugh. I am not laughing this morning.
Death I do not fear, at times I welcome it and that is the truth. However it never quite reaches me, it just grabs everything in and around me one by one they are all dying off while I am forced to remain and carry out my mission every day with a little more pain.
Very few things keep me going and I found out this morning one of those things is no longer in the background quietly supporting me, showing up when I need them most, loving me even when I am unloveable. Two diseases plague my family, addiction and cancer. They are the main killers in my blood line. Somehow I ended up with both yet still remain.
I remember a few weeks back when I almost died and I was talking to my daddy who’s long since passed he made me come back he told me my mission was not complete. I can only assume Bub’s mission was complete and that he is now up there where ever that is with all the others who are no longer here with us. I hope Dad and Bub are having a beer and laughing it up saying those poor saps still down there dealing with the drudge and we are free. That is what I hope anyways.
When you are daily faced with your own mortality and then someone dies that you love it is almost as if your senses are heightened and more aware of what is and what is not there. It is insane but yesterday my liver was killing me and it was right about the time they unplugged you. I couldn’t figure out what was going on why was when I am taking my remedies and such….. Now I know I was feeling him leave this world. It happens every time someone I am connected with dies or is hurting, I am simply so disconnected from my own self these days it is hard to differentiate the signs when I am feeling my own pain or someone else’s. What this tells me is I have to stop and center myself because my sensory perception is coming back and I need to incline my ears to listen more intuitively to what is going on in and around me. I have to clear the distraction and chaos so that I can hear the messages the universe is sending.
I am so sorry that I did not make time to come see you. Were the shoe on the other foot you would have came to me. But you more than anyone else knew me well and knew that my love for you was solid and real. But the alcohol it was just too painful for me to see, too harsh of a reality….I tried years ago to get you the help you desperately needed but it was up to you not me…. Now you are gone and I am left here with me.. Seems to be life’s slot for me…..
I loved you from the day I was born, I will love you long after I am gone. You be the wind Bubby and I’ll be the wings…..
Be it false be it true, there was none other that loved me like you.