Been Gone

Good Morning Frimley! I apologize that I have not been faithful to post on here and I know so many of you come here to find helpful resources to end your suffering and I promised to provide you with all of the things I learn along my journey to health and wholeness. But honestly sometimes I just feel like giving up and being completely selfish and making this about none other than me me me. However knowing me and the fabric that I am made of this will never happen….. The only time my fabric is shit is when I am on shit and other than a brief slip last summer I am all good in the hood. And when I say brief slip I do not mean I was shoving heroin needles in my arm that will not happen I simply mean I was drinking smoking more than usual and took a few pills that were not prescribed to me oh yeah and ate some shrooms…. and honestly you can not tell me I gave up my clean date because like I said I did not stick a needle in my arm, did not rob anyone and no one is dead. I simply needed a break from reality and took some shit to get me out of my head. I know I know as a D n A counselor I know that should be a relapse but frankly I do not believe in the system in place for recovery at all and I do not believe that if you are a meth addict and two years into recovery you have a glass of wine at Christmas and your fucking sponsor says you relapsed and takes all your good time away. Thats bullshit. I not being a drinker at all do not feel as an ex heroin addict that if I have a glass of wine from time to time that I have relapsed. Fuck shrooms even pills or a joint not relapsing I didn’t switch to another addiction and I did it once or twice so shut the fuck up is where I stand with it all Take your own fucking inventory. All of this being said I reckon you can tell I am in a crappy fucking mood. I miss my litter mate and my best friend as he is in jail because he’s a fucking cop out artist. Oh no poor wittle me I have a debt to pay to society so I chose to use dying cancer patients to balance my karmic scales and oh shit its not working it’s not relieving the burden of guilt I carry around so maybe I should do something totally fucking stupid that harms everyone I care about just to ease the pain. It only causes more asshat.  Yeah I guess at this very moment as I sit here in fear and wrenched with pain that I am a little bitter and slightly pissed off.

I really want him here with me. I do not want to go this alone. But honestly I will not allow him back into my bubble when he gets out if he plans on doing the same thing. The only cancer patient I want to deal with on a personal level is myself. I don’t even really want to do that but I do not have much choice. The rest of them or you should I say I would rather just provide helpful recipes and tips to alleviate your suffering, I cannot take on your energy any longer it’s killing me. So there it is, I no longer want to work with addicts or anyone sick. I want to educate from afar and live out my days living not trying to save people who won’t even try and save themselves. I can explain it to you but I cannot make you understand and honestly at this very moment I do not even want to explain it to you. I want to say figure this shit out for yourselves, I had to. But I won’t. I just feel like shit today and I know the cancer has spread to my cervical area and it’s back in my intestines, I can totally tell I recognize the symptoms and I’m mad about it. It is bad enough dealing with it in my bones and liver. Then the growth behind my eye and in my nose is really really bothering me and affecting my vision giving me crazy headaches etc. I really hate it. I hate that so many illnesses are actually imposed upon us by the very people we fucking trust to heal us or help us it’s disheartening to say the least, in fact it ignites a rage deep within the very essence of my everything. It is likely this rage that keeps me alive. This desperation to right the wrong in this world and leave a better place for future generations. I do not want to be like my parents and bring forth life cause it horrendous pain, give it no tools and leave it in a shit world to try and navigate through. No i want to make a difference. in future generations when looking at our lineage I want to be the bright spot in the family tree where the tides changed and we were strong unified and a family of game changers not players….. I want the pain and the buck to stop with me I do not ever want my children or grandchildren to be sitting in this position so I fight through this pain, I live against enormous odds I wake up every day leaving medical professionals scratching their heads . My doctor says I am a medical anomaly and he has no idea nor can he take any credit for the fact that I am still alive. It is sheer will and determination that I inherited from my Grandpa Twain.Doctors are responsible for my condition and responsible for making it worse. I however am a magical being with a purpose and a destiny that I will live out a mission that I will complete and no one or nothing in this realm has the ability to stop me…..

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